I am lamenting that I am not in the fire of Krsna Consciousness. We have been watching some festival videos for the past couple of hours! From Youth Bus Tours to Mayapur festivals and in between.
How I would have loved to be involved in big dances and dramas glorifying Prabhupada and Krishna and sharing and introducing so many souls to our Dear Lord.
I often have felt somewhat disconnected within ISKCON. I was not fortunate to join in the wonderful days of when Srila Prabhupada was here- to have been included in greeting His Divine Grace at an airport, to be in class, or to have seen HDG dance at a festival, (thankfully we have the videos and books!). In those days, EVERYONE was in the fire.
Although I was born in 1967 I am not a Gurukuli. I didn't come in contact with ISKCON until 1991. Although many of the Gurukulis have suffered so much in the past with all the preaching and touring activities the bliss is hopefully replacing, or outweighing the pain in their hearts from the past and they are having fun in KC and I am so happy to personally witness 1 Gurukuli who was covered in a period of darkness to now be bright face and so happy and serious about chanting and spiritual life.
So here I feel stuck in the middle. I haven't even been to Mayapur yet and I am married to a Bengali devotee now for 13 years!!!???!!?? When will I be able to tour the holy dhamas in the association of sadhus???
When oh when will I be able to participate in these glorious festivals in the holy dhamas? I feel like I am missing out so much and why-
I am lacking the mercy and the money.
I want my children to be drenched in the bliss of KC memories. They won't have big Kuli Mela festivals to see all their many friends- there currently is no Gurukula. In the past there were some bad ones, but now there are practically none, at least not in the states. Here I chased a dream moving across the USA so my kids could grow up in the association of devotees and have a gurukula. No such luck. Today we went to the temple, it was afternoon on a Saturday and there was a home program some 20 miles away, but while at the temple I only got to see one devotee. We went mainly to have darshan, chant some japa, circumambulate the temple as it was a sunny warm 66 degrees and have some caranamrta. I don't make it to the temple much aside from Sundays and darshans and classes via the computer these days. It was nice not to be in a rush and how nice it really wouldv'e been to see devotees.
I can never get to the festival of inspiration in New Vrndavan bc it is always the 2 weeks before the performances where I work- why can't they do it during spring break when a lot of people have off????
Here we are on the east coast and I have never even made it to NY Ratha Yatra. On top of all this lamentation I feel bad that I want to ENJOY. Is it wrong to desire to want to ENJOY KC- it is a joyful process right? Esp in the association of enthusiastic devotees. I really do relish our day to day KC activities, chanting 16 rounds, offering arati/kirtan every morning and evening, reading Srila Prabhupada's books, hearing classes, ect... it has been a peaceful process, but I too want my kids to be in the fire of KC in the association of devotees, not just peaceful boring old me. There used to be a handful of children at the temple morning program here. The schedule is not so conducive with children- whole program in finished at 7:30 so most kids are off to school anyhow.
I hanker to visit the different temples and communities, befriend and serve the Vaisnavas around the world like Hungary, London, NZ, Australia, South America, and of course India!
Ok I am going to stop my pity party now- Krsna is so kind I have faith that He will fulfill our hearts desires to serve Him, eventually in due course of time. I really am grateful for the service I have and the nice devotee friends I have- I am happy but I guess I am seeking more than happiness- I want bliss. So Now let's focus back to what Krsna wants and not what I I I I want!
